Friday, May 28, 2010

Thoughts on Down syndrome... and John Michael


I love this picture. John Michael is going to truly be one great brother to his new baby brother, who is about to make his grand entrance into the world next week (or the next...) I can't say enough how much John Michael, in his 2 1/2 years, has changed me (and our whole family, school and church community) for the better. He has opened my heart and mind to regard everyone, not just those whom society views as "perfect", as truly gifts from God. It's not that I didn't believe it before. I truly do believe all life is a gift from God, from conception to natural death. However, I didn't act like it. I felt uncomfortable around people who didn't fit the "norm" and would choose to avoid them and look away. I prided myself on the fact that my first 3 children are bright and dare I say... attractive to society's standards... Then, wham-o, I turn 40 and have a child that 90% + women will choose to abort because they're not "perfect". Well, I didn't know I would be so blessed! I didn't know when I heard those distressing words, "It looks like your baby has Down syndrome," that it would change us, and those around us, in a positive way. I never imagined the tears I'd shed and the pleas I'd made with God to take away John Michael's Down syndrome, would instead bring me an amazing local group of friends who also have a child (or two) with Ds. And that I would connect to hundreds of other parents through blogging, facebook and the NDSC Convention. All because we're linked to an extra chromosome through our children. Simply amazing.

I know it won't always be peaches and cream for us. People do stare at us and I used to wonder what they were thinking. I'd almost obsess over whether they were looking down at us or feeling sorry for us, etc. Now I just smile and let them think what they will and not care. The smiles and waves John Michael gets when we're out and about warm my heart, so I do believe that most people truly think he's cute and love to get a smile or wave back from him. If you're lucky, he might even "knuckle you" and say "doooooo" for Dude while doing it. At church last week, another mom held out her arms for him and before I knew it, there was John Michael going through the Communion line in the arms of another mom who just adores him. As I said, it won't always be that way. There are plenty of people who don't think he should have been born; but fortunately, I don't have to deal with them at this point.

After my OB appointment this morning, I was driving down a busy street and saw two young men with Down syndrome approaching the bus stop. They could've been twins, brothers close in age, or just best buddies who really looked a lot alike. I stopped at the light and couldn't help but stare, but in a good way. I felt a smile stretch across my face, the first all morning for me, and I watched as they playfully wrestled at the stop. I know people with Ds aren't happy all the time and have a wide range of emotions. Of course they do! But in my observation of adults with Ds in public, I see more joy than anything else. The light turned green and I continued to watch them in my rear view mirror until they were out of sight. There was something sweet and childlike about them and I pray that John Michael will continue to put a smile on peoples' faces as he gets older and is "less cute". I do wonder... will people stare in a good way and smile? Will they stare and have unkind thoughts? Or will they turn their heads away and not want to look because they, like I used to be, were too uncomfortable? Time will tell. I hope they stare in a good way and that a smile will stretch across their face, too, like it did mine this morning.
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18 comments:

  1. Awe, he is soooo cute. I know what you mean, though, what will happen when they get a little older and lose the "cute" factor. I hope that we will have made even more progress in educating the world. I've never experienced anything truly negative with Peanut, but as she gets older, I care less and less what others think. Just keep it to yourself unless you want to see Mamma Bear come out!

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  2. Great thoughts, Monica. We're in a similar situation - way cute kid, no negative feedback, worrying about the future. Yep. We see so few young adults or adults with Ds, so we generally have no real clues as to what this future holds, how social interaction will play out, etc. I can only suppose that we see so few because they're so busy with their everyday activities at school, after school, at work, with friends, etc., that we don't cross paths in the places I generally take my small child. That's a good thing. But we'll still wonder.

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  3. Thanks for a good cry!

    Beautiful post!!

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  4. JM has touched so many hearts and I cannot imagine that he would ever loose his cuteness :). There is just something so charming about our kids with Ds. Erin can be like a magnet..others are drawn to her! I would never wish her little something extra away! Like you, we feel very blessed.

    I am so excited about you new little bundle due any day now! I'll be checking in so I can keep all of your last mintue plans, and baby's plans, in my prayers. Can't wait!

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  5. I think the boys have extra 'cute factor' at the moment, but I do think about when Luke gets older. I was on a plane on Wed, and saw a teenaged girl with DS. I saw her again at the baggage claim area and had to try not to stare. She was tall and slim, wearing trendy purple skinny jeans with matching purple sneakers with bling, and her hair was in a pony tail. She was on her phone, chatting excitedly away, and was just fabulous. I was filled with possiblities for Luke just by seeing her. She had some family with her, but there was no way to easily approach them- and I was looking for a way! I had Luke with me, but I am not sure that they noticed that he has DS also. The only down side is that she is too old for Luke- lol!

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  6. Well I just love this post :). John Michael is a doll, so cute, and the joy he has brought you just shines through. I try to do that with my blog when I talk about autism -- I want people to know that a diagnosis is not the end of life. It's just a drop in the bucket compared to all the wonderful things Fiver has brought us.

    Good luck and prayers for the end of your pregnancy -- looking forward to hearing your new baby news soon! :)

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  7. Gosh, I feel like I could have written this post!! So true, all the emotions and wondering about the future. I have all the same thoughts about Lily.
    I have to say-your little guys is SO adorable...I bet if you catch anyone staring, it is because he is incredibly cute!!

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  8. I get it Monica and I have tears reading this post. I wonder the same things...all the time. And now having two children with DS, it doubles my worry but I'm hoping the double joy overshadows my fears :)

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  9. Love this post, Monica! SO very true. I love that pic of JM, too! He is just bursting with coolness! :)

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  10. I often have these same wonders...what are others thinking...will it get easier as we both get older and are more comfortable with people...and have more experiences...all i know is that I do smile when I see a person the is similar to Maddie...John Micheal is a RoCKStAR...smiles --- thinking of you and the baby...

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  11. I have to tell you I'm smiling ear to ear ... I caught myself smiling at the young man who works at Starbucks (and has DS) I'm sure he thinks I have a crush on him and I guess I sorta do ... I was so happy to see him ... so happy to see him so happy ... next time I'm going to give him a high five ... He'll surly know I have a crush ... I feel so blessed to have my eyes opened and the wonderful people who share there families with me like yourself ... I feel my world is so much bigger and brighter and my heart and life so much more full. When John Michael hugged me when I was over the other day ... ahhhh ... truly the best!

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  12. Monica what a wonderful post.I have worried too about how Ruby will be treated when she doesn't have her baby cuteness anymore.

    Love the picture of John Michael!He's going to be a super big brother!Can't wait to meet baby Crumley!!!

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  13. LOVED this!! Monica I have to tell you that I am so happy you had John Michael, because you have touched my life and helped me through these first few months. Today I told my oldest boy that Russell has Down Syndrome. I used your blog to help me through. I want you to know it was the pictures of your family, and most particular your oldest boy with JM that made my son smile and realize that Russell is still the brother he had always wanted. I want to thank you for sharing your beautiful family and experiences with all of us. I know if you have touched my life, you have touched others. I am also finding that instead of staring at people with disabilities I am seeing the people behind it..I see the families, the Mothers...and I do find I smile, a proud happy smile that I have my Russell and that I get to experience a whole new world that I never knew I wanted to be a part of!

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  14. I saw a young man with DS today in town. I get SO excited when I see people with DS. Maybe one day I'll run into JM!

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  15. Loved this post, Monica. And love you. I'm so happy our boys' genetic enhancement brought us together. They are going to grow up in an amazing community!

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  16. Monica, This was so "hit the nail on the head!" I too have changed and discovered something I didn't even know I was missing! Thinking of you, your family and that new baby due any time....! xoxo

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  17. Wauw, he looks so big in this picture, a real cool guy!
    Good luck on your delivery, hope all goes well and easy!

    Love,
    Maud

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  18. I don't think anyone with DS loses their cuteness :) I have two older brothers & Adam (the middle child) has Down syndrome. Is he still cute?! I think so! I volunteer at a summer camp through the Milwaukee Archdiocese & there is a camper, Jean, who is in her 70's & she had DS. Adorable, just adorable! Stubborn, sweet, & full of love. I often find myself staring at people with DS, but not because I'm being rude! I want them to look at me so they can see me smiling at them.

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